Quality Map Time
by vuarapuung
Summary: Remus and Sirius ponder the Marauder's Map and some of the many great mysteries of Hogwarts


**Disclaimer: Based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling.**

_A/N: First written a few years ago, now I have rewritten it and posted it. Enjoy!_

Remus Lupin made his way up the staircases to the boys' dormitories slowly, as if he did not wish to be heard. The door to the room he occupied was slightly ajar, so he was able to slip through without making a sound. He approached the furthest bed, where the curtains were drawn.

"Hello Moony!" Sirius roared, springing suddenly from the wardrobe. Remus did not scream (he was far too _manly_ for that), but he did fall over and land on his backside.

"How did you know I was coming?" Remus asked. Sirius winked at him.

"I share many great gifts with our canine friends," he said. "An improved sense of hearing and smell, as well as incredible sexual stamina."

"That's an image I could do without," Remus muttered, finding his way to his feet. "So what were you doing then?" Sirius shot him a look to suggest he was offended that Remus even needed to ask. He pulled back the curtains of his four-poster bed to reveal the precious piece of parchment that was the Marauder's Map.

Remus had voted against the name "Marauder's Map", but then Sirius had gone and enchanted the map anyway, so they were stuck with it. Sirius was now using the map for what had been its original intended purpose: gossip.

"You know, when everyone is huddled in the Common Room like that, it looks a bit like they're all having an orgy," Sirius suggested, throwing himself down on the bed to look at the map. Remus sat on the edge of James's bed, which was right beside Sirius's.

"Well, I just came from the Gryffindor Common Room and I can assure you they were doing nothing of the sort." Remus paused for a moment. "Although with the Hufflepuffs you never know. I've always thought they seemed a little _too_ friendly."

"Well, if I had had _my _way..." Sirius began, and deliberately left it at that. When they had first developed the map, Sirius had voted that the map not only show someone's position in the castle, but also what they were up to. James had shot the idea down when he insisted that he did not want to know what Snivellus got up to when he was on his own in his room.

Sirius proceeded to tell him, in horrifyingly graphic detail, exactly what he thought Snivellus got up to when alone in his room. Let's just say it didn't involve washing his hair. James had had nightmares for a week.

Remus decided to risk looking at the map. He moved over to sit on the edge of Sirius's bed, but did not get too close in case Sirius tried something. Snivellus usually kept to three places; the Potions lab, the library or his own room. On this occasion he was alone in his dorm room. Remus gave a shudder at the thought.

Sirius, however, was enthralled by the map.

"Don't you just love weekends without a Hogsmeade visit?" he asked. "Everyone is sneaking around and getting up to no good."

"Personally, I'd rather be in the Hog's Head getting a nice, cool Butterbeer," Remus said. Sirius grunted.

"I'm telling you, the Three Broomsticks is the place to be. I know it's not much to look at now, but give it a couple of years and it'll be where all the Hogwarts students go to drink on weekends." Remus did not bother to voice his disbelief. Sirius was a staunch advocate of Madam Rosmerta's business plan... her two, full, perfectly formed business plans... Even Remus suddenly felt slightly flushed at the thought of them.

"So, what are Peter and James up to?" Remus asked, deciding to change the subject.

"Peter is sulking about the Slytherin corridors," Sirius replied. "I told him to tail Goyle for a while. Not for any real reason, I just got sick of looking at him. I've had no luck finding James though."

"Try looking for Evans," Remus suggested. "He'll probably be three feet behind her, stalking her in the Invisibility Cloak."

"Yeah, but he should show up then," Sirius pointed out. "Look at this. Longbottom is alone, in a deserted corridor with Alice. Way to go, Frankie!"

"That doesn't mean anything," Remus reminded him, though he suddenly felt a rush of pride. Longbottom was Head Boy, only a year above them. Despite being a truly gifted student, he was sadly cursed with horrifying nerves in front of the opposite sex. It was good to know that he was finally getting past that.

"I know, Alice's are _massive_," Sirius said, clearly thinking that he could read Remus's mind. He made a rather crude gesture that Remus chose to ignore. Sirius was getting distracted from the task at hand.

"And where is Evans then?" he asked.

"Oh, right there," Sirius replied, not even having to look at the map. "She's been in a broom cupboard for about ten minutes now. Probably hiding from James."

"Then why isn't he charging up here to look for the map?" Remus bent over to look for himself. Sure enough, the dot labelled "Lily Evans" was alone in a broom closet.

However the label shifted slightly, and for a moment Remus thought he saw another label underneath. Sirius suddenly tensed.

"Did you see that?" he asked. Remus nodded. They stared at the dot for a moment longer, and their patience was rewarded. Lily's dot spread out and suddenly became two dots. Another label, which read "James Potter", suddenly appeared

"It's never done that before," Remus asked. He looked at Sirius, who looked guilty. "How could you possibly know? Did you actually look at the map while you were kissing girls?" Remus felt outraged.

"Well, I just wanted to know," Sirius offered. "Besides, we are missing the key point here; which is that we can never let James live this down. Oh, I am going to do horrible things to him when he gets back."

In his excitement Sirius began to jump up and down on his bed, inevitably hitting his head on the roof of the bed. He refused to learn his lesson though, and instead continued to jump.

Remus, who had landed on the floor as a result of Sirius's jumping, was given time to ponder the great mysteries of Hogwarts as he rose to his feet.

"What kind of priorities did the Founders have when they built this place?" he asked. "There are so many broom cupboards all around Hogwarts, and all the students keep their brooms in their rooms anyway. We even have a broom shed that never gets used for anything. And the stairs to the girls' dormitories are blocked to the guys, but the girls are free to wander up into our rooms as much as they like. Hell, you have at least four girls a week up here."

"Hey!" Sirius pretended to be offended. "I have kept this dorm girl-free this week!" Remus glared at him. "Okay, _relatively_ girl-free... It was the same girl twice, that shouldn't count!" Sirius flopped back onto the bed and thought for a moment.

"So, Frank and Alice; James and Lily; Wormtail and, probably, one of the rats in the dungeons." Sirius turned to look at Remus.

"What say you and me hop into bed together, eh Moony?"

"No Padfoot."


End file.
